Snape's Gift
by Hermy Puckle
Summary: A Holiday one shot. Just go see. Warning: a bit of language


**Disclaimer: Snape and Hermione and Co. Not mine. Sorry. I wasn't the genius who came up with them.**

**A/N: Happy Holidays! I fully intend on updating the rest of me lovely stories but first, a present for Christmas.**

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Miss Granger,

Well, this secret Santa bullshit has gotten out of hand and I was unlucky enough to pluck your bloody fucking name out of the Sorting Hat, though I have the strong suspicion, our 'dear' headmistress had something to do with the selection.

What the blazes was I supposed to get you? A book would be the obvious answer but I know not what you've read and haven't read. That was my first and second thoughts. Then, I thought, 'why do I care?' I could get you any book and if you didn't like it, it wasn't as though I was going to suddenly contract leprosy. However, for reasons still a mystery to me (though I fear it might have been Minerva's breathing down my neck as I write you this… she wanted me to state that I didn't know the reason even though I do. That's a scary woman, Miss Granger, be bloody thankful you are on her _good_ side. It's no fun on this corner of the world).

She is an alarmingly attractive, bright, and powerful women who is a force with which to be reckoned.

And she approves the above statement.

I shall desist with my digression and move on to the subject at hand:

What to get you.

I briefly thought of asking your friends but could not bring myself to doing so, as my gag reflex seems to have worsened in my old age. I thought about going to your parents but I did not trust them not to blab to you about it and this stupid thing is supposed to be 'secret'. The whole concept, in my opinion, is completely illogical. Oh yes, let's just pick some random person you barely know or don't like and force you to purchase a gift for them so that on the time of exchange, you can give your awkward pleases and thank-yous.

Why do I get the feeling that a hundred – and – fifty – some – odd – years ago, Albus thought that up?

Again, digressing. I blame Minerva.

Though it is entirely my fault and I am a right bastard.

Her words, not mine.

If you had guess that I am writing this letter to you under force, then your powers of deduction amaze me.

Hm. You might not be able to detect the sarcasm in that sentence. Well, it's there.

So, the problem still led me to wonder what to get you. So, I did the idiotic thing and went to Minerva (who is beautiful, etc.) and then she stated what a splendid idea it would be for me to write you a letter.

Doesn't seem like much of a gift to me, but alas, I am digressing again. Have you, Miss Granger, ever seen me wander off the path of which I am going in conversation before? No. The time Minerva's here, I do.

Enough evidence, Headmistress?

And so I write you this letter as your 'gift'. I do not think you will like it but Minerva says that my putting thought into something makes it the best gift ever. I say it is the frugal man's gift, but then again, what the bloody fuck do I know?

Because I am feeling uncharacteristically jolly (and I do so hope that when you are reading this, you do not have a drink in your mouth for it might end up all over this paper) I have decided to add something extra.

So, with great sacrifice from my part, I allow you three full months of not having to endure my insults.

I choose the months of Summer Holiday.

Yes, Miss Granger, I do realise that we won't be in each other's presence at this moment. It makes it most convenient, don't you think?

I wish you happy holidays away from me.

I remain,

Severus Snape

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A/N: Well, not the funniest but I promised a Christmas ficlet and there it is. It was inspired by my own role - playing as Snape over at Myspace.

And I plan on updating the other stories, perhaps finishing one (not telling WHICH though :-) over the next two weeks. No promises on finishing one, but yes, definitely updates. I owe you all, my increadibly pretty readers. Or any newbies. If you are bored, you might go read some of my other stories. Yes, I am whoring my stories out and no, I am not ashamed.

Well, you know the drill: you review (good, bad, fugly) and it makes my day.

Happy Holidays!


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